Ashley Marie And Mina Tonia Mykela Cloutier Life Story & Family History

All greetings and guestbook entries will now have to be pre-approved before they are posted. Welcome to Ashley Marie and Mina ToniaMykela Cloutier's site. This site is created with utmost love and prayers for both of them.
We never forget.
Love Mama, Gabi and CJ

My Dearest Ashley and Mina,

I feel compelled to write this open letter to both of you as so much has gone on over the years and lately.

And I just have so much to say. I don’t know what I will say except to start with I love you. I have always loved you both from the bottom of my heart. Sometimes in loving anyone we all make mistakes. Sometimes we make big mistakes and sometimes small mistakes. Sometimes, it takes years for us to have grown up enough to realize we have made any mistakes.

Then there are those that will never grow up at all.

It seems as though so much of my life is an open book. So, many things that were to be personal were divulged or exploited in such a manner that suit the needs of other people. This part of life is never easy.

But, let me get to why I am writing a letter.
I have spent weeks contemplating what to do with this site now that Ashley is 18.
And I have heard the stories from many different people about what they have been told as far as what happened with the two of you and this whole DCFS mess that had started.

First, I have never beaten either one of you. I have never tied you in a garbage bag and put you in a dumpster. I have never sexually assaulted anyone and I definitely have never done drugs.

As, your mom I have been at fault for only loving you and making the wrong choices of staying with people that clearly didn’t deserve my love or my trust. And that I cannot change.

It was told to me the other day that I had the choice to leave. I could have left when your dad lost one of his many jobs. And that had I done that Ashley would have never been stuck with us in a campground and never gotten insect bites and my mother and sister would have never called DCFS.
Well, you know it is true.

That very well could have been different.
So, let me start from the very beginning before I get into the OMG! I can't believe she wrote that part of my life that totally upset your dad today in writing this letter.

I am sorry girls. I guess I should go back a bit further to how I made the choices I made. Let’s start with the day I met your dad.
A girl named Deanna came up to me and said that the new guy wants me to ask you if you would go out with him.

And I being a Maryville kid was like gimme a break. Most of the guys just wanted to be with the girls they could get into their pants with.
And by the time your dad came around I had been tired of being bothered by all these other people. So, we spent a day talking. I was like so nervous. I had a bad relationship, at 14 yes, 14 with a guy named Phillip. I was upset that this other guy left Maryville before your dad had left. And well, at first I wasn’t gonna give your dad the time of day.

But, as always I gave in. And at 9:15p.m., Being late for curfew I said yes to your dad. But, it was only after I had told him every secret and aspect of my life I felt would bite me later if I didn’t. And on that day I assumed all my secrets were mine and they were until a few months ago.

I can’t tell you how upset that made me that he would betray that one promise he kept all these years. But, alas, not everyone is whom we thought they were when we first meet them.

At any rate, we had fun times going to the movies and walking around campus all the time. Man, I lost so much weight back then. I was so happy. We went on school trips to Upward bound and we were pretty well known after that. But, still I had been a confused teenage girl. I was still in love or so I thought with Phillip.
And then there was the guy I had a crush on. But, your dad was still unlike anyone I had ever known. I guess you could say he has always had some kind of pull on me. I don’t know how to describe this feeling. And for the sake of making sure I get this all out there, I again was no saint. I had cheated on your dad after we had been together about 7 months.

I had never done this before but, they say you never really get over your first. I believe that to be true to a point. And I was young and naïve again. So, we had a bad moment in time. And when I thought he was gone, it felt like I was empty.
By, this time, I was pregnant for the first time. And I honestly can say, I don’t know what the heck I was thinking. I was young and scared and 16 years old.
I didn’t know who the father was and I truly just didn’t think that having a baby was for me. I honestly, at that age, had never wanted kids and didn’t think I would ever have kids or be a good mom. I sure didn’t want to get married.

I had an abortion. It was the worst mistake I made as a teenager and all because I didn’t want to lose a boyfriend. And Phillip of course turned out not to be good for me in the end after all these years. He has had his many children and baby mamas. But, still it doesn’t change this awful thing I did.
I woke up in puke and blood and I was upset and freaking out. I wanted your dad and but, I had my mom. And I was just wow a dumb 16 year old for sure.

I had no business being sexually active at all much less getting pregnant. And if I were to give you advice I would say, don’t do it! Don’t have sex before marriage! Don’t have abortions.

Don’t put yourself in any situation where you can’t take it back. I have done it over and over and it sucks.
That is the truth.

So, now I went into Independent Living because that is what they do to you in Maryville when you go against the Catholic beliefs and have abortions.
I had a job and an apartment and I took cabs to and from high school for the remainder of the year. I graduated with honors at 17 years old. It was a year in advance. I did do something good for myself.
And your dad stayed in Maryville and he went to school and would ride his bike to visit me. It was a long way from DesPlaines to Chicago. I can’t honestly remember how long of a bike ride that was. But, back then,

I truly believed there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for me. We were both kids from broken homes and messed up families. We could relate to each other. And I guess we felt we only had each other.

And I guess we felt we only had each other. We had our pagers and would page 3 for I love you and 13 for Meow. I don’t know why I just use to be your dad’s little cat. And we didn’t have cars or cell phones. We had pay phones and trains and bikes and buses. I miss those days.

So, yes, maybe now it is lame sounding but, it is how we use to think. And then I got pregnant with my Ashley girl. And I was thrilled because I had a chance to be a mom and I had the chance to undo some of my pain.

As a girl, we learn to have instincts about other girls and kind of like cats we feel the need to protect our territory so to speak. I know it is so weird sounding. But, I truly don’t know how else to explain this.

Well, one day your dad left for a train to Waukegan. And I went through his little black book and found the number to a Sheila. I didn’t know much except I had send letters she wrote to your dad at Maryville and I was threatened by the girl whose boobs he touched lol.

I was talking to her and would ya know that she was like wow! He is right here! He just walked in my door. I was disgusted and upset because I was pregnant. And I truly honest to God wanted to do everything right by him and you Ashley.

Of course I burned that black book. I can’t believe some of the things I had done. But, at 16 and up you do a lot of crazy things for love.
And I was just happy to have my boyfriend and my baby and we moved in to an apartment together in Waukegan.

This would be my next big mistake. So, now to what use to be the beginning of my letter. This is how everything came about from the time I first met your dad the guy with the ugly bulky glasses to the time I was pregnant with you Ashley.

When I was nine months pregnant with you Ashley your dad cheated on me with a young girl who had no morals and definitely got herself around. That is the nicest way I can put it. I found her number on my kitchen table when I came home one weekend with my sister. I had been away to a friends house in Chicago to avoid an argument with your dad. And in doing so, he did what I had not though he was capable of.

Of, course as a girl I had called her and didn’t believe her and wanted to believe him. But, she had known every aspect of my apartment, your dad’s favorite movie etc. There were so many things she knew that no one would know unless she told the truth. Again, I was naïve and wanted to believe that the man I loved would not do this to me when I was two weeks away from delivering our baby.

So, two years passed and when we were homeless and staying the night at a friends house, your dad told me. By this time, you were already two years old. I don’t think I knew how to handle this information.

I want to say I was in serious denial. And with everything going on, that was so hard for me to deal with. I didn’t have much of a self esteem then and I allowed myself to be with a man that cheated and lied to me and ultimately made me homeless by this point.

Now although, my mistakes were obvious, I can’t regret them all. Because I have learned that every choice we make leads to a different outcome in life. So, yes, I made poor choices. But, I also would not have had Mina or Christian or Gabriel had I done this differently.

I never regret any of my children. I regret the poor choices I have made that have caused you any pain or suffering or heart ache. I am so sorry that I didn’t have more faith in myself or what my mother always warned me. But, I can only hope that you will have a much better chance of making great choices and not having a poor self worth to allow any man to make you ultimately sacrifice yourself only to be hurt in the end.

So, it appears that I am ultimately to blame. Or I should say I am to blame for not leaving, my mother whom your father has clearly reminded me drank too much and my sister who also was quick to call and judge me.

But, to clarify, yes my mother called. But, no Ashley you were not burned. You clearly had infected bug bites and I have kept the medical reports from the specialist just for you. I have a folder of all your medical records and the contact information for anyone you desire to talk to.

I don’t want this to seem one sided. I just needed to express to you as your mom that I am so sorry. And that so much has been taken out of context.

Now, as far as the so called sexual abuse call. That was not my mother or sister. But, it was your dad’s side of the family. Clearly my side is always first to be blamed for pretty much everything. And then the rest come out smelling like roses. But, I am kind of tired of that story being told that way, so, I needed to clear this up.

Yes, you were evaluated and of course it was concluded that you “ were not sexually abused!” Good grief, I would rather die than see that ever happen to any of my children or anybody else’s children. But, the blame needs to be put where it all rightfully belongs.

I have kept every document, every phone number and stayed in touch with the very first foster mom you have ever had. She has been with me from the beginning all the way to now and will be there when you are ready for her. I don’t need to lie to you because truly, what do I have to gain? In my eyes I have lost two beautiful girls, my mother and my only sister. Life is kind of lonely and many times sad.

But, your brothers keep me smiling and going and looking forward to many awesome things to come. Because life my girls does not live in the past. You can look back at it and learn or you can try to live in it and never move forward. I pray so hard for you both every single day. I have tried to make all the peace I can with everything that has happened over the years. But, you know my mother and sister are both gone now. They can’t come back. They both apologized to me long before tragedies took their lives.

And I made peace with that. And truthfully at least I can say they were legitimately worried where as some people were just plain old spiteful. And that is where you my girls have to learn about life on your own. So, many people do things out of spite. And unfortunately for me, it meant so many freaking DCFS calls.

And of course over the years, I learned the system, the drill, my rights and I fought back. So, that doesn’t really happen now.
And honestly, I don’t really talk to your dad’s side of the family anymore. I got tired of the arguing and being labeled so many things because I finally grew a back bone as I call it and I don’t take the same garbage I use to.

I have been here twenty years trying to fix mistakes and give your brothers a chance to grow up happy and healthy and with a dad. I have tried to fix every wrong thing that has happened.
And that is another mistake. Bad things happen often to good people. And we good people get the blame for most anything. So, I understand if you don’t want to talk to me. I understand if you are just comfortable with where you are and whom you are with. And I am sorry that it may be how you truly feel.

It is ultimately up to everyone involved to grow up and take their share of the blame. And at this moment, I am taking full blame because if I had only done that one thing and listened to my mother it would have been different. I love you and I am very sorry.

All my love,
Mommy Susana M.~

PS Just so you know your dad has finished school and stayed off drugs. I wouldn't want that to go unnoticed. As I am told often that I make myself look like a saint and him far from it. But, in truth there are no saints in the whole situation. Not even those whom are closest to you. But, ultimately, they will have to face their choices as well. I have faced mine. I can't feel the stress of this anymore. I have spent so much time worrying and crying and it won't change anything. All I can do now is pray for you all.

The True Mother

A True mother accepts her own faults.
For without faults, how will she learn to grow?

A true mother accepts all imperfections.
For without the imperfections how can we learn, to accept?

A true mother will believe in you against all the odds.
For without belief, how do we teach our child faith?

A true mother will sacrifice without question.
She will fall and keep getting up.

She will cry her tears of pain. Yet, she will rejoice for the Lord has kept her sane.

She will feel your anguish and pain.
She will share your joy and success.

She will love unconditionally, girl or boy.
Love is what she does best.

She will rejoice in your achievements and praise regardless of your mistakes.

She will give her whole life for you, whatever it takes.

She will embrace every moment of childhood given.

She will grieve every moment of those lost.

She will always remember the sacrifices she makes at any cost.

A true mother will love all her children regardless of where life takes them.

True mothers sometimes make the choices that will break her heart and feel as though their soul has been ripped.

But, deep down inside, remembering the rewards of being unselfish and true.

It is the mother whose heart is true, that will embrace the pain of sacrificing her own happiness for well being of her child.

She is always praying, that they will feel her love from a far.

Praying that those moments she embraced will soon not be forgotten.

A true mother will spend everyday hoping that the child whose very life grew inside her and closest to her heart,
will remember the love that came first from their " TRUE mother."

She will pray her voice being first heard, is still there in her child's mind.

She will always be true and a remarkable kind.

True mothers are blessed with the choice to do right or do wrong?

It is those who do right that are never forgotten all along.

So, for those who question, choices that a true mother makes.

Would you, could you, do whatever it takes?

~Susana M. Copyright©
2/6/2010

"There is no sense in hating the past, but moving forward to happiness, living in the here and now making the best of an awesome beginning."M. Kishimoto

I love you both soo much. I can't be angry about things anymore. My life is too short. I hope and pray you will one day understand all the truths.

And Ashley I have all the medical records and court documents and witnesses you need when you are ready. I am sure you know how to find me.
Love Mama

May the Lord be with you and give you strength to differentiate the truths from the lies and the love from the hate.

You are officially an Adult! Yeah! I am so proud of you and all your good deeds. I enjoy hearing anything I can about how well you have been doing.

This is a video of you on a visit during Margarita's 4th birthday. I was pregnant with Christian. But, you were still so happy to see us and you still sang the, " I love you, you love me song." Baby Bop was your first favorite character and you were so adorable.

HTTP://WWW.MYSPACE.COM/BIRTHMOTHERSOFILLINOIS

The above link is to the first site I made after this one.

https://www.facebook.com/#!/OpenAdoptionIllinois

http://www.youtube.com/user/susanaregan
lots of home videos on this site

Birth mothers Never Forger! I love you and miss you always.

This is my sister and I. She was with me the day I was waiting for the pregnancy test to turn pink. She was way less freaked out than me. She knew you were a girl before I did.
She talked about dressing you in girlie clothes the day I found out I was pregnant. She was awesome. She loved you soo much. Ashley you were so loved. I hope you will one day know that. And I am so proud of you and your accomplishments.

Mina Beans, I look forward to learning of all your achievements as well my sweet Mina Beans. Unfortunately, I didn't get as much time with you. I am so sorry.

This site is copyright protected by Susana M.
~ All writings, poems posts and photos are the property of Susana M. The moment you leave something on here it becomes a permanent part of the site.
I do not give permission for any copying or reproducing of any part of this site.
2006- 2012 Susana M.~

We fully support the following cause that helps young teens and young adults to do great things and have great experiences. Please donate to the following.

Thanks
Susana, Chris and Gabi

http://www.hearthavenoutreach.org/

Thanks to h20 for helping spread Domestic Violence awareness. This is a cause close to my heart. And seeing how you helped young teens was amazing.