Website to share your memories forever
Timeline
 
May 14, 2013 Finally court is over
So, six months of an order of protection and it was finally over, I no longer had to face the bio daughter or her adoptive father. Oddly the adoptive mother who seems to have so much pull in bullying did not show up except for once. That was in November 2012 when I just said whatever I will take the six months leave my son and family alone. 

They said the youngest wanted to know her brother. I was open to that but, I feel it is best we wait the one more year.
 
July 2012 Order of Protection yet again
And so it would seem the long awaited time period to finally see one of the girls reach legal age went horribly. After an accidental OMG moment in a store school shopping, we landed in court yet again. And ironically it sounded just like the last order only it was from my bio daughter we now call her. 

 
September 26, 1993 Ashley Marie Cloutier was born
Ashley Marie Cloutier was born in Illinois on September 26, 1993.
She was my first miracle. I loved her from the day I knew I was carrying her. 

She was a hard birth but, well worth it
.



"PLEASE TAKE NOTE THAT ALL OF THE WRITINGS CONTAINED IN THIS SITE ARE COPYRIGHTED!"
AND I WILL PROSECUTE FOR ANY PHOTOCOPYING OR PRINITING OF THIS SITE AND ANY PART OF IT HEREIN!
NO ONE HAS EVER HAD NOR WILL THEY EVER HAVE MY PERMISSION TO COPY OR PRINT ANY PART OF THIS SITE.
 
August 1995

In August, 1995, Ashley Cloutier was taken from us.

We were accused of burning our child by my own mother and sister. We had lost our place to live and no one wanted to help us.
We were homeless.

And we had no family support.
We had nothing but, our car and our child.

Our daughter Ashley was put into DCFS during what was to be one of many more hotline calls to come.

Ashley went to 3 specialists.
The first one said she was burned or fell on rocks.

The second said he couldn't tell what it was.
The third Dr. Lawrence Solomon said it was infected bug bites.

This man had 30 page resume and over 60 years experience.
And despite all the evidence, we still got her back for only a short time.
We had an apartment. We had jobs.

But, life and its temptations led us right back into the system just before we were to get out.

So, we were again fighting to get not just one daughter but, two out of the system.

 
July, 25, 1996 Mina Tonia Mykela Cloutier was born
Mina was born in Park Rdge, Illinois on July 25, 1996. 

I remember waking up to the bed being soaked. I really thought I peed myself. 

But, it was my Mina Bina coming two weeks early. 
My water bag had broken. And it just felt like neverending waterfalls. 

It was an unforgettable experience.






"PLEASE TAKE NOTE THAT ALL OF THE WRITINGS CONTAINED IN THIS SITE ARE COPYRIGHTED!"
AND I WILL PROSECUTE FOR ANY PHOTOCOPYING OR PRINITING OF THIS SITE AND ANY PART OF IT HEREIN!
NO ONE HAS EVER HAD NOR WILL THEY EVER HAVE MY PERMISSION TO COPY OR PRINT ANY PART OF THIS SITE.
 
September 1996

Mina was born July, 25, 1996.
We were homeless with a newborn baby.
We actually ended up living in our attorney's basement on the south side of Chicago.
Well, as time passed those temptations, got to James and well it was a done deal.
Our girls were taken away.
 
At first James and I lived in shelters on the south side of Chicago.
It was gross and scary. 

The court tried to give me my girls but, to live in a shelter on the floor. 

It so wasn't going to happen.
Honestly, had I done the opposite, maybe they would have been better off,

I loved them too much to put them through that.
So, the girls lived with relatives.
This was very short lived. 

We then got the accusation of sexual abuse thrown at us.
So, I had to watch my baby girl suffer through needless exams and testing for something that was a result of a family member saying
"She touched her pee pee during a diaper change."

Needless to say, that was inaccurate and it wasn't founded. I took all those buses and trains to 
La Rabida.
 
You see years may go by but,
We don't forget and I truly do keep all my papers.
 
(I don't know what hurt me worse, my mother accusing us of burning our daughter because she didn't like James or his family member accusing us of  sexual abuse.)

(For the record, as a sexual abuse survivor, I take accusations like this very seriously! I fight for people everday who are physically, emotionally, mentally abused. I was assaulted as a kid, a teen and an adult. 
I lived through it so much that the thought of being accused sickened me and still does to this day. And I have ZERO TOLERANCE for abuse!)

The very first things I taught all my kids was that no one touches you in the peepee boobies or the butt! NO ONE!

And I am sorry but, I just can't write this story without telling the whole story. So, I will do my best to keep it in order by at least months and years.

 
1996 continued to 1997

But, it didn't take away the emotional damage it had done to me, my child and her father.

I moved in with my mother and brother in August 1996.
James remained homeless going from one pads shelter to the other. 

There wasn't anything to do but, get a job and get a new apartment, and of course, parenting classes, counseling, marital, and individual.
We did it all.
 
I traveled on 3 hours worth of buses just to see my girls for one hour a day. 

It took 3 hours to get back.
I was pregnant and all I did it.
But, for my children it was always worth it.
I was pregnant with Christian.
 
He was born on December 4th 1997.
Christian remained at home.
He was happy, healthy and untouched by DCFS. 
We were at supervised visits during this point.

 
December 4th 1997 Baby Brother Christian was born


Christian was born in Park Ridge, Illinois on this cold winter day. 

It was a hard labor. He was the biggest baby out of all of my children.



"PLEASE TAKE NOTE THAT ALL OF THE WRITINGS CONTAINED IN THIS SITE ARE COPYRIGHTED!"
AND I WILL PROSECUTE FOR ANY PHOTOCOPYING OR PRINIING OF THIS SITE AND ANY PART OF IT HEREIN!
NO ONE HAS EVER HAD NOR WILL THEY EVER HAVE MY PERMISSION TO COPY OR PRINT ANY PART OF THIS SITE.


 
2000
Kindly our then worker Svetlana Kaplin was nice enough to take us to places like Mc Donald's or the mall. 

So, in 2000 just a year before my sister died would be the last time Ashley and Mina saw all of us together for an Easter Pic at the mall.

We would take yearly pics with the Easter Bunny and with Santa. This was a tradition since I was a little girl.
 
However, they LCFS(Mrs. Mc Clean) still tried to get him taken away. She was relentless. The hotline calls kept coming.
 
May 28, 2001 to end of 2001 Linda's death and countless LCFS Hotline Calls



On Memorial day May 28, 2001 my baby sister Linda was murdered.

So, needless to say, I was enduring much stress from home and with DCFS.

In November 2001, I had to have an emergency thyroidectomy. I was at work, James and I weren't living together or much less talking at this time.

I got very sick, thought it was asthma. But, I turned out to have an over active thyroid. It was something called Graves’s disease.
I spent two weeks in the hospital.
I got home just before Thanksgiving.

There was even a hot line call the same night, I came home from a two week hospital stay. This was in December 2001.
I had gotten my thyroid taken out.
I had almost died.

This didn't stop DCFS from accusing that Christian was sexually assaulted next. And I looked at the worker, ripped off my bandage and said, “Here, look at my throat."

I had my thyroid taken out two weeks ago.
I have been home an hour.



But, you think I had time to abuse my child?
He was with a family of friends who had 3 kids of their own.
Of course, by the time this was over, it was in fact unfounded.

James was living in Waukegan.
So, I was like here, call him! And they did.
He did this so I could try and get them back myself.
He moved out and had a job and place of his own.

He had separate visits at this point.

We got accused of abusing our children literally to the point I took pictures of every visit and even started to video tape it.

 
2002 UNTIL THE END OF THE CASE Part 1
At one point in 2002 a hot line call was founded.
A woman Misty P., who alleged to work for parents rights and was to be my friend falsified being an attorney. She alleged abuse and thus one more call to deal with.

She was their star witness.
Well, she was in jail and by the time appeals court, ( thank goodness I learned you could appeal and go before a judge at this point)we got to the LCFS worker the judge demanded that the report be unfounded and that they stop wasting hers and my time. I know that Julie was pissed at me.

I had one victory.
They didn't get my Chris.
And In September 2002 Gabriel was born.
Our case was sent to Termination trial by this point.

And although DCFS said get a divorce and you will get your girls back, it did nothing.
We spent 7 years of completing services, visits, parenting classes, marital and individual counseling all to end with no getting our girls back. 

I promise you girls, all the services were completed.
But, we still had no family support and we still had much to learn.
What I would give to have known all the things I know now.
So, we were at a point in our lives where we had to make a choice.
Do we keep fighting and lose all of our children maybe in the end? Or do you willingly let go of the two you fought 7 yrs for?

Well, we were promised an open adoption.
We were promised that it would be like an extended family for the girls.
That we would still see them and that Christian would not be traumatized in the end.
He would still know his sisters.

I guess, I should have foreseen they would be liars.

After all this is the same family that was truly pissed we made a hotline call on them for the bruises in 1997 Ashley came to a visit with.
We called all our attorneys.

Ashley said " Mommy ***** spanked me because I didn't go poopoo in the potty.


I sure wasn't going to sit there and do nothing.
And yes, I was like, if we can't touch our child what gives her the right.
I did take pictures but, I think to have that online would be inappropriate at this point.

And needless to say since that day, came the
"Well, the girls came back from visits either " Dirty, with a rash or Ashley says she saw her dad get his shirt ripped or Ashley said she saw her dad or Ashley said there was a fight, etc etc, etc,.
This was via the now adoptive mother.

We literally had to take pictures and I started taking videos of all my visits.


 
September 17, 2002 baby brother Gabriel was born
Gabriel was by far my hardest delivery. 

After 16 hours of labor he was taken by Cesarean Section.  Yet, he was a tiny one.


"PLEASE TAKE NOTE THAT ALL OF THE WRITINGS CONTAINED IN THIS SITE ARE COPYRIGHTED!"
AND I WILL PROSECUTE FOR ANY PHOTOCOPYING OR PRINITING OF THIS SITE AND ANY PART OF IT HEREIN!
NO ONE HAS EVER HAD NOR WILL THEY EVER HAVE MY PERMISSION TO COPY OR PRINT ANY PART OF THIS SITE.

 
Part 2 of the end December 6, 2002 we say goodbye
We have no secrets now.
Not with our sons, not with the family.
So, may as well post the truth. The whole truth is important to me.

Oh, and let's not forget the DCFS psychiatrist says that the visits are “Traumatizing Ashley and she feels her visits should stop completely. Ashley is having outbursts at home and at school". 

The list from this foster family was long and ridiculous.
But, I still took them at their word.
I wanted peace for all of my children. 

After all
THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE IDEAL PERFECT ADOPTIVE/ FOSTER FAMILY.
 
So on December 18 , 2002 we let go of our rights to Ashley and Mina Cloutier. It was hard so close to Christmas.

We prayed on it. We got one visit with Mina after that. 

They let us see her at their famous Mc Donald's.
I had some hope at the point. They took it away. 

And when the adoption finalized, they were gone.
They kicked us out of their lives forever.
Well, it has now been  9 yrs. 

We haven't seen them or been allowed to write them or call them or anything. 

We only have this site to leave greetings and a few others to help other moms.

They had the police call our house and made a report for our friend trying to take Mina a unicorn present for her birthday. (Yes, Mina beans that was Mommy in 2004 trying to send a present.)I still have it too.

I heard she watched as the adoptive mother threw the stuffed unicorn at her in the driveway and went ballistic.

So, we never went back.
 
May 28, 2001 Aunty Linda became an Angel
Heaven took Linda Anne Regan on Memorial Day 2001. 

We will miss her so much. 
Here's a pic of my baby sister.


"Please take notice that this site and all of the photos, poetry and writings herein are copyrighted."
DO NOT COPY OR PRINT ANY PART OF THIS SITE, NO ONE EVER HAD MY PERMISSION TO EVER PRINT OR COPY ANYTHING!!


 
December 18, 2002 I terminated my rights to you with the promise of Open Adoption
This was the day, I signed away my rights to you. They promised and Open Adoption and lied. 

I am sooo sorry. I wish I would have listened to my gutt feelings that day. 

I just knew they were scandalous.  I am soo sorry. 
I love you always
mama.
 
April 7th 2004 Abuelita Margarita Casillo became an Angel
She was taken to heaven just before Easter 2004. 
I miss her soo much. I only pray my mom is an Angel watching over all the children with my baby Sister.



"PLEASE TAKE NOTE THAT ALL OF THE WRITINGS CONTAINED IN THIS SITE ARE COPYRIGHTED!"
AND I WILL PROSECUTE FOR ANY PHOTOCOPYING OR PRINITING OF THIS SITE AND ANY PART OF IT HEREIN!
NO ONE HAS EVER HAD NOR WILL THEY EVER HAVE MY PERMISSION TO COPY OR PRINT ANY PART OF THIS SITE.

 
1/16 /2007 Your "Adoptive parents had us Served with an Emergency order of Protection"
This was the day they sent the police to our door. 
Apparently they gained knowledge of this site. 

The adoptive father tried to get the judge to make us take this site down. 

But, then he would have invaded our freedom of speech amendment.

So, on February 27, 2007 it was finalized. 
And although, I was pretty upset at first, I am not any more. 

They will have to remember we didn't fall off the face of the planet now.

We have not stalked them or harassed them in anyway. 
They however, did to us. 

No big deal. God does everything for a reason. 
And well, I don't want them to ever forget us. 

They broke their promise. 
And we have done all we can to keep ours. 
So, now we have this site.

So, you will see, you were never forgotten. 
We all love you very much,
 
Order of Protection February 28, 2007
I promise I didn't go through this without a fight with your adoptive father. 

We simply found ways online to keep our promise to stay in touch.
Even if it meant it would take till they were at least 18 to see it.
The adoptive parents know that we have all these sites out there. 

And I was sure to tell the foster dad in court in February 2007 what he did to Christian emotionally for lying.
The adoptive parents shut us out no sooner than the adoption finalized.
I told Chrisitan I had no answers.
I tried to explain that although mommy and daddy followed the “True mother" story of the bible, not everyone was true to their word.

I even had a neuropsychologist document the emotional damage this has done to him.

He goes to counseling but, it hasn't changed his mind of missing his sisters.

We don't know if Ashley and Mina even knew what the promise was.

We don't know if they will ever know the truth of the situation.

If they go to the juvenile courthouse, they can access their files and the state's attorney is still l there. She promised me that she would tell them the truth.
Maurie and Isobel even Michelle Brazil were all there. And they promised to tell the truth.

All we know is that the "Adoptive family" slammed us with an order of protection in February 2007.

So, of course, I got an attorney and then they had to get one.
Of course, the mother didn't show up but, the father did.

And of course, he had to slander us for our past dcfs case what else did he have? Absolutely nothing.

We had Isobel who was at the termination trial along with my friend Olga and well the paternal grandmother all at that hearing.
And if nothing else, we had that satisfaction of putting into court record everything we had to say to the adoptive father.
He lied to us. He hurt our son.
And for that we will never forget or let go.
God may have brought me to forgiveness but, one day God will bring me to tell them the truth.
It was because they found this site.
They tried to make us delete it.
But, the court ruled in our favor of the Fifth Amendment.

I only had to remove identifying information and in one day.
I did that. So, at first, yes, I was truly pissed off.

I mean I had to give Christian a way to vent his grief and frustrations.

And then it became a way for me to express mine as well.

They wanted to take the only thing we could do to help him and that wasn't gonna happen.
We weren't sending mail or people to their house. We simply made this site as a tribute and remembrance of them.

This was our way to remember every day. And in hopes one day they will see and they will know we never forgot.

I didn't lie. I kept my promise the only legal way I knew how. I thank God everyday for the internet . I even stepped it up a notch. So, now the boys make videos for their sisters.

And since any videos I have of the girls are mine and were made prior to any adoptions or court orders, no one can stop me from posting them.

So, they go up under their real birth given names Ashley and Mina Cloutier.
For they will see this one day, I hope.

 
February 28, 2009 Order of Protection Renewal they didn't show

Well, after about 6 months, I was happy. (This was about the original order of protections.  
Because even though, I couldn't see it at first, I did win.
God made it so these people would have to think of us every day for two years. 

And they knew we didn't forget and weren't dead.
So, when the renewal came we thought for sure, they would be there.
 
Nope! They never showed up.
I can honestly, say, I was disappointed.
I was willing to go another two years through the courts for this.


I knew that it meant more paper trail and more things to show the girls in the end.
Who knows maybe they didn't tell the girls.
Maybe they lied again.
I understand why the girls aren't able to find us yet. I get it. And it is ok. I am content now to know the truth inside. 

I have left a virtual trail everywhere.
I also knew that if they kept them coming eventually Ashley would be 18, and she would then have to be the one to file a complaint.

But, she would also have to go to court and face us and hear the truth.

I am guessing that they were either pissed because I found a positive in all of this or else they knew what I was thinking and decided not to show.


Either way, James and I did show.
We were there.

One way or another, they will know.
They will see the lies that were told to us.

And they will know we never forgot!
We would ever forget the gift we gave them.

We willingly signed our rights to Ashley and Mina.
So, thus it was our gift to them. 

A chance for them to show us the love and perfect little lives we expect to see in the end.

But, until, then, we go on. We live each day to its fullest and we love all of our children. 

WE did it! We made it together!
We surpassed it all and have been together for 19 yrs.
I am sorry girls, that things between us weren't better sooner.
I wish I had the wisdom then that I have now.
 
2004 The Letter

My mother was killed 5 days before Easter on April 7, 2004. Our family was so lost and traumatized yet again. Christian loved his abuelita like she was his earth angel.
I wonder if they even told the girls?
I guess probably not.
And I felt his pain.
So, thus why the following occured.

 
They (adoptive mother I should say) even stooped to level of sending a cruel letter to Christian for sending a thanksgiving card to his sisters on Novemer 23, 2004.
Mind you this was DCFS “Perfect Family who loved all children!" 


Well, I guess that it doesn't apply
to the siblings they hurt.
This was in 2004. 


My mother had just died that year.
And Christian wanted to send his sisters a card.
I felt so bad for him. He had to lose his abuelita, suddenly, and then to lose his sisters completely.
Christian has spent 7years angry, upset and confused.
He still will ask why? Why did they lie to me? Why did they lie to all of us? 
He was the youngest of all the kids at the time and still remembers. That is gut wrenching for me.

 
February 3, 2008 Great Aunty Clarissa Howe passed away
Clarissa Howe
POSTED: February 4, 2008 
"Clarissa Howe"




HOWE, Clarissa Merrill, of Ossineke died Sunday, Feb. 3, 2008, at the home of her son in Rodney.

She is survived by her John Dumsch Jr., and Paul S. Dumsch; six grandchildren; and 10 great-grandchildren.

A private remembrance will be held at a later date. 


Aunty Clarissa is your great Aunt on Grandpa Mark's side of the family. 
She was born on August 10, 1921.

She was the sister to Grandma Barbara Cloutier "Howe".
I am sorry I don't have a picture of her,but, I will work on it. 
I understand that she was a remarkable woman. She is truly missed.
 
September 13, 2008 Booboo " Big Daddy" Casillo passed away

http://bigdaddybooboocasillo.pets-memories.com/


He was a wonderful dog. I kept my promise to my mommy and took care of all her dogs when she passed away. He was 13 years old. He was born a few months after Mina beans. It broke my heart. He went to the groomers, got a hair cut, barked and died.

I pray he is barking up a storm in heaven. We love you Booboo! 

 
My heart was broken when I let Chico leave me for heaven

http://chicocasillo.pets-memories.com/

Chico Casillo was the oldest of my mommy's 3 dogs. He was with me when Ashley was born, Mina was born, he played with all of you. He use to sit over Ashley's bassinet like a guard dog. 


He was 19 years young. He was a tough one. He endured an enlarged heart, cancer, and he had a seizure. I looked at him and he couldn't even cry in pain. I wrapped him in Mom's favew purple blanket, I thanked him for being with me for so long. I thanked him, kissed him and sang Wind beneath my wings.

I begged the vet to come to give him peace at home. I didn't want him anywhere but, in my arms and then to my mom's in heaven. That was so hard for me to let go of someone I loved so much. It was like losing another part of my mommy. but, the thing about love, is if you love someone enough, you do what you have to for them, not you. 

I love you Chico. woof woof to heaven little buddy.
 
August 29, 2010 Mommy and Daddy got remarried




So, on August 29, 2010
James and I will be getting remarried at the very place we met.
We will be doing it before God
And in church the right way.

The way it should have always been.
We will be married by our very own Father Smythe.

We owe him our childhood and our lives.
He is truly the man that saved us from the lack of love in our own families.
It is an honor to have him officiating our wedding.

We are making our lives together permanent and setting the right example for our sons.

We will continue to pray for our girls and our sons’ every day. For the Lord, helped us get through all the hardest of times.
And you know, I find myself feeling forgiving of the adoptive parents.

I know after reading all this, it is a scary thought. I never thought I would reach the point of forgiveness. But, for the kids and myself, I am saying, I forgive the adoptive family. 
 

 
July 22, 2011 A note to our girls and visitors of this site...
 A friend told me that I should review this site and the whole timeline the other day. She thought it may sound mean or like I  have  a lot of anger towards the adoptive parents. 

And so, I have read the time line. I made a few adjustments but, in all honesty, I can't see any other changes. It has been a repeated thing that others take what I write the wrong way. In reality, if you think about it, I have so many reasons to have been angry over the years. 

I have been lied to, ridiculed, told I was a bad mother, lost my mother, my sister, my girls to horrible circumstances and truly had no real emotional support for a lot of years. 

It was always easier to havve people criticize us then to be there for us. 

And then recently, someone said that my children are not just mine and they are not pawns to be used. I laughed so hard I almost fell off my chair. 

In actuality, the same person has used my kids as pawns. First the girls, when they had them for a brief time( I will never forget the control freak this person acted like when we wanted to visit our girls)

Then Christian (as he had a myspace and endured a lot emotional stressm as a result of postings by this person).

Then again we were threatened to be tattled on for what was to be a happy private family matter that can not be necessarily talked about at this time (this situation would have affected all of us emotionally). But, none the less,  it didn't stop them did it? 

It doesn't matter to me who did what at this point. It  may matter when I get to show the girls all the mountains of paperwork, pictures, and give them numbers to everyone that was in court to witness the verbal agreement. 

But, quite honestly, no I am not angry anymore. I am hurt. But, this summer has given me a lot of reflection, time and the chance to get to know
"True Family" that doesn't criticize you or make you feel unloved or unwanted. .A family with truly Godly people that take faith so seriously, you would be amazed. 

I had finally found people that made me feel loved, accepted and wanted. There were no questions asked. 

And I can say it couldn't have come at a better time. 
I was reading my mom's journal the other night as I was reflecting on my inner spirit and I was overcome with so much emotion. 
My mother had made the same trip I did but, ten years and one month prior to mine. She had the same feelings of exhaustion, depression and frustration and concerns of her relationship with God. And she took the same trip and felt like a renewed and wonderful spiritual person. And she was. 

My mother and I had our differences over the years. But, she was always right. She said, " One day you will be a mother and then you will understand what I have done and sacrificed for you." She was right! 

She said that life is not ass easy as it looks and trust no one! She was right! 

I am a better person this summer. I know I am not this horrible mother that so many made me out to be. I am a mother who had to sacrifice her heart for her children to be happy. Or so I thought they would be. 

I am a mother who has two beautiful sons that are fantastic and motivate me to keep going. They give me renewed strength and hope everday. I pray that one day their sisters will see how much they are loved by us ( their real family) and forgive the decisions we had to make. 

They were never easy choices. I can say being a parent is the hardest job I have ever endured. But, it has been most rewarding. 

And for every ounce of sadness, I know their will be happiness. 
For every lie, there will be a moment of truth to be heard. 
But, I don't care, I am ready to finally face it head on and let this last obstacle regarding our lives to be finally over. 

It is in God's hands. I can only pray that the children who I know are much like myself, will one day realize, I tried to do the right thing for all of them. 

And life has bought me to a whole new place. A place where I no longer need to learn to be a mom for I have been learning, a place where there is no time for regrets for you can't change the past you can only change your future. 
A place where I am an adult, with a job, two boys, a husband who finished college and did great things with his life and it is time to move forward and let God. 

I can no longer fear the future, for it is already written. 

I can say, I love you both so much and I never stopped. I have thouht of you with each passing day, each passing night, each passing holiday, birthday, and year gone by. I have never stopped loving you. 

And although I will always be hurt by the lies, I am grateful that the girls had a home to live in and have a chance at what society calls a normal childhood. 

I love you Ashley and Mina Beans and always will. True Moms never stop loving their children. Your heart was always closest to mine from the moment you were blessed inside of me to forever. 

Para Siempre, 

Mommy
 
Jume 3, 2012 Ashley Marie Cloutier and Margarita graduate
They both looked beautiful and I am so proud. Margarita graduated at 11 am from Glenbard East and Ashley from BHS.

They looked fabulous.
 
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